Baboon Community Fights Speciism, Economic Injustice

10/23/2007, 7:04 pm

SOUTH AFRICA - For generations, members of the impoverished baboon community in the Cape peninsula have suffered from inequality, forced to live in deplorable conditions on the margins of simian society with no access to education, subsidized housing, and universal healthcare - but this paradigm is about to shift. The baboons - whom scientists describe as the most economically oppressed minority among the primates - are finally fighting back, forcing homo sapiens to rethink their place in the diverse biosphere they had exploited for too long without giving back.

Sky News reports from Africa:
A gang of baboons is being blamed for a series of break-ins. The baboons have been raiding people's homes for food and causing thousands of pounds in damage. "People here are getting very angry," Dr Peter Kirsh said, as a baboon strutted along the street beneath his balcony. "They get into the kitchens, they know where the fridge is, they open it and take everything, and then they defecate everywhere."
Baboon Guerilla
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Scientists are unsure about the cause of the baboons' sudden compulsion to organize and represent. Could it be that altruistic primate researchers have raised the apes' awareness by distributing Marxist literature - or, are the apes naturally evolving to the level of class consciousness? Regardless of the cause, the most radicalized of them are finally fighting economic injustice by redistributing and disposing of unfairly gained surplus "human" wealth.

Evolutionary experts can't hide their excitement. Researchers at Berkeley and other Ivy League schools were quick to point out that the so-called "crimes" are merely the result of social inequities, which have traumatized generations of the poorest baboons and led to the formation of a vibrant counterculture bent on direct action. No longer willing to sit idly by as the wealth continues to be unfairly distributed, the baboons are, in the words of one animal rights' activist, "taking it to the man; I mean, all the higher primates - especially the homo sapiens!"



Local activist calling for equal distribution of wealth among all primates.
Baboon Rally

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Signs of discrimination


Baboons Feeding
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For millennia baboons have endured ceaseless, malicious mockery regarding their ischial callosities - the big red lumps on their posteriors, which some scientists view as a proto-Marxist characteristic.

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Champions of progress across the globe are lining up in support of this recent "crime wave." "We think of ourselves as advanced species, but in reality we are the most oppressive and repulsive primates evolution has produced," says Prof. Kurgman, who recently styled his beard to look like that of a baboon in solidarity with the primates' struggle for equal rights. "We are all baboons now!" he tells his students, announcing extra credits to those who can spend a week acting like baboons and writing about their experiences in the college newspaper.
Prof. Kurgman's students earning extra credits in the streets of New York.

"Private property is a bourgeois concept that only has value among the humans," believes Bertha Newchurch of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the largest animal rights organization in the world. "Human property was largely obtained by raping the land and stealing resources from baboons and dogs and girbils, leaving them with no tools of evolution and suppressing their chance at further advancement."

"I support," Newchurch adds, "Joe Biden's bill to create a government agency that will oversee the proper allocation of all human wealth to all animal species. We must finally atone for the extinction of the passenger pigeon."



Marxist biologists at Berkeley have given up on raising the awareness of the decadent gorillas...


... or the bourgeois chimpanzees who are likely to be engaged in monkey business with humans.
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Baboons, on the other hand, are known for their uncompromising stance on issues. Experts in Revolutionary Psychology have reasons to believe that baboons may soon become the next most important ally in the movement of granting voting rights to non-humans.
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Professor Palimpsest channels feelings of the average oppressed baboon: "Homo Sapiens out of Africa now!"
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Many victims of "baboon crime" in the Cape Peninsula beg to differ. "I put these bars on my windows," one of them laments, gripping the sun-warmed metal. "But still, the next thing I knew I had a baboon in my bedroom sleeping with my wife and drinking my Courvoisier."

Down by the roadside a group of tourists was recently carjacked by one baboon as they stopped to admire him. The visitors made the mistake of not locking their doors and within seconds the alpha male had yanked the driver out of his seat, cranked up the radio to full blast, and sped away with seven hostages. The fate of the unfortunate tourists is uncertain. However, one local has reported that he saw a pack of AK-47-wielding baboons leading a group of blindfolded hominids into a remote part of the jungle.

While this definitely provides educational fun for the visitors, the residents blame the tourists and progressive activists for most of the problems, alleging that the outsiders feed the baboons and even slip them drugs for amusement. Consequently, some baboons have set up Meth labs and are now dealing to the hyenas, as if they needed any more "uppers".


Progressive activists from all over the world converge on the Cape peninsula to raise awareness and distribute "The Workers' World" and other relevant literature.
Baboons

"Reason is a myth invented by humans in order to oppress other species," writes Dr. Palimpsest, Professor of Revisionist History of Boulder, Co., in his new book exploring the vibrant counterculture of the baboon community. "Likewise, our alleged ability to think rationally, to conceive of our own lives, and to be selective in the choice of sex partners are all part of the same outdated chauvinistic narrative - the conspiracy of the intelligent few, as I like to call it - invented to set humans apart from other animals with the purpose of subjugation and exploitation."

"My studies of the primates and of the progressive community at the UC-Boulder campus have convinced me beyond any doubt that mind is a fiction. Our feelings, however, are a reality - and they are shared across the board. Animals too can feel injustice - which is what happens when things do not get distributed to each according to their need."

"Things generally belong to those who need them, not to those who create them. Private property is a joke; you can't possibly keep what you earn when the number of needy communities keeps expanding to other species and in the future may include fungi, bacteria, and even non-carbon-based alien life forms."

"The moral of this story is that nothing is moral as long as the means of production are in the hands of the human hegemonists," concludes Dr. Palimpsest who has been nominated for this year's "Stand on your Books" award in the category of Marxist ethics.


Special reporting by Red Square and Dr. Palimpsest

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<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ October 26, 2007 11:34 AM: Message edited by: travelinman ]</font>